While contemplating this month’s Blog post, it occurred to me that my first in this series was written almost 9 months after my husband’s suicide. Nine months is the gestation period for human development and signifies incubation, evolution and emergence.
wombwisdom.me
I hadn’t considered the significance of that timing. I was ready, at that roughly 9 month mark, to work again and to put myself out there in an authentic way.
Now, roughly 18 months post suicide, I’m ready to be done with this “Aftershocks” series. This is the second gestation period from which I’m grateful to be emerging. I feel as though I’ve been birthed into a better, stronger, more capable and kinder version of me.
We can’t have new beginnings without endings. While I wish certain endings had occurred differently, I’m grateful to be transitioning into the next cycle of my life and look forward with enthusiasm—incubation complete– for now. I am freed from the most recent womb of gestation.
As I stated in the first volume of this “Aftershocks” series, “In the grand scheme of things, that’s the simplicity of what has occurred for all of us these last 9 months. Moments in time strung together and defined as an experience”.
These last 2 gestation periods do not define me
I am not defined by my marriage or by my husbands’ suicide. These experiences have smoothed my rough edges and brought a depth of grace, compassion and knowingness of interconnection that is beyond anything I knew before.
…his heart grew 3 sizes that day-Grinch
They have taught me to embrace the vast ocean of my own strength, stretched my fixed boundaries into fluid response and blown open my heart into a boundless and inexhaustible reservoir of love and wonder.
I’ve used the term “Ground Zero” as a marker for the day of Bill’s suicide. I officially lay that to rest now and re-purpose that phrase for myself.
dreamcatcherreality.com
Today is Ground Zero for the story of my life—for the beginning for my new story. A new journey I am excited to create and embark upon.
Here’s to birthing our dreams and allowing life to unfold in its ever fluctuating beauty of beginnings and endings while choosing to stay awestruck and humbled.
Early this year, about seven months post suicide; I was sitting at my computer aimlessly wandering through emails. My late husband’s email address was still active and receiving as I had not yet dismantled his accounts. He had an account with a site called NEXT DOOR. It’s a website that allows you to connect within your neighborhood to promote community, communicate real time with neighbors and happenings and go local. (www.nextdoor.com )
As I was scanning through the mail, a post on this site came up of a neighbor looking for a daily dog sitting situation for his very large and active Belgian Malinois. I clicked the link and responded that I was interested and gave my phone number before I even realized I’d done it! Once I clicked SEND, it hit me that I’d put myself out there. My mature, fear based response was to immediately delete my husband’s account and pretended it never happened! I didn’t think I wanted any kind of commitment plus I had three dogs of my own.
A couple of days went by and the matter slipped my mind (or I blocked it out) until I received a phone call from the guy looking for dog sitting. This was one of those synchronistic situations where I decided to roll with it even though my mind was screaming “DON’T”. Coincidentally, he was immediately able to bring the dog by my place for a meet-and-greet to see if we would all be a good fit. My “normal” at that time was far from normal. I was on edge, defensive and anxious a lot of the time, in relatively deep grief and quite scattered.
I have about ¾’s of an acre fenced on the water which is essentially my own dog park. The owner and McLovin’ the dog arrived (names have been changed to protect the innocent!) and things went great. We decided to give it a go which meant I would have McLovin’ daily for an hour. I was weirdly excited and scared at the same time. My heart recognized that this was a window of opportunity for me but my mind was telling me that it was a mistake to have a mid day commitment long term.
Our first day I thought—I LOVE this dog AND I’m remembering why I don’t want a puppy! But my heart was singing! This dog was a giant, pain-in-the-arse dose of presence! He’s smarter than me, curious and full of vitality which in dog speak equals trouble, opportunism and loads of adventure. He needed eyes on him at all times. This meant that my routine went out the window and I had to be fully alert and engaged while he was with us. This shift of focus was powerfully transformative. It allowed my mind to relax, my edges to soften and my heart to open again.
McLovin’ and my biggest dog, MacTavish, became best buddies instantly and my 2 little ones were equally captivated by him. He clearly liked us too, and his very being-ness created an entirely new dynamic in my home.
This giant puppy engaged my dogs in a playful and experimental way, bringing out the inner puppy in them and effectively eradicating the grief and pain that they’d experienced in the loss of my husband, prolonged exposure to his depression, as well as my grief and diverted focus.
I kept him in general 2-3 hours daily simply because it was so much fun. He brought a joy and lightness I needed desperately in my environment—in my home. This is so relevant because most of my friends were uncomfortable coming to my house as it’s ground zero for my husband’s suicide. I nicknamed him “McLovin’” because he’s the definition of unconditional love on four legs. He’s silly and affectionate in a full body, roll all over you and against you kind of way.
My mood never mattered to him—he was forever happy to see me and even more so to come to my house and play with the pack. If I stopped and sat, he’d immediately be on me—literally! He would sit or lay on me instinctively knowing what I needed to lay down my guard and navigate back to my heart.
Best Buddies
Daily, when I left to get McLovin’, my dogs would wait at the window patiently for our return and then pine away for him when I took him back to his house. On days I would leave and come home without him, my dogs would howl and cry—berating me for coming home alone!
This is the beauty of synchronicity and taking chances—the willingness to go beyond fear and just roll with it! It obviously didn’t occur to my rational mind to bring in a new puppy pack mate as “healer” for my dogs, my home and my heart, and yet that is exactly what happened in the most unexpected, fun and joyous way.
In short—a situation I was scared to enter quickly became one of the most profoundly transformative opportunities in this very difficult year. A window of opportunity that I allowed myself to open, for which I will forever be grateful. And it came in the unexpected package of a very big puppy, who, to loosely quote the following song, “shone a light into my darkness”.
So here’s to leaping through windows of opportunity with reckless abandon!
Time continues to pass for us all and as I approach the 15 month “post suicide” marker, I’m amazed by the expectations people have about how they think I should behave.
Situationally, if I’m not sad enough I’ve gotten called out in some shaming way for being too happy, and then reminded—like I might forget—that my husband did kill himself. Or, I’m sad for a moment in time and am quickly reminded that it’s been long enough—buck up and think positively. As though thinking positively when I feel lost or alone or afraid is a panacea for all that ails me.
Initially when this began happening, I thought, “Well, I can’t please everyone so screw it!” (or something a bit less kind!) The first few happenings did throw me. I second guessed myself, briefly thinking maybe they’re right. It was easy to do because I’m still juggling the “why” question about my husband’s choice and what part I played, if any, in how the situation unfolded. Guilt and shame can be an easy go-to when things are FUBAR.
A few weeks ago I asked my friend T—she and her husband showed up immediately the morning of the suicide-“how did I present—how did I act that day”? So much of those first 24 hours felt like I was a watcher and removed one
degree from the reality occurring around me.
She said that I had a weird smile on all day and that I was trying to take care of everyone else. The policeman assigned to babysit me, her, the 5 dogs and the other 2 people who came to support me.
That was me trying to hold the state of positivity. Keep the mask on. Hold the illusion that all is well or will be. You’re not good enough to expect support unless you’re bright and shiny, so stay shiny.
Of course, I wasn’t holding that as a conscious thought at the time. Hindsight and deep exploration in the breakdown of the world I’ve known allows me to see that illusion clearly now!
When “positive thinking” is used in this manner—shaming self and hiding, ignoring, suppressing, distancing or judging our thoughts and emotions, we are making orphans of various aspects of ourselves. Abandoning any part of self is an act of self-hatred. Ugly or mean thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of, and when not acted upon are generally benign. We are human. We bring our past to the table until we learn to bear witness to and include all of our experiences and thoughts with curiosity rather than judgment.
Abstract business background.
These last 6 years I’ve been primarily a caretaker for others in various situations and varying degrees of F-ed up! My world went quiet after my husband’s suicide which left a lot of time for me to consider my patterns of behavior and ways of being. I was faced with many opportunities to be “positive”.
The whole construct of positive thinking is exclusive and perpetuates the unhealthy dichotomy of ; good/bad; right/wrong; now/then, while at the same time creating the expectation of an unobtainable state. The state of ALWAYS being positive! No matter what we do, we will still be human with a wide range of emotions and a society that thrives on labeling and judgment.
Love of self would allow all thoughts and aspects of self to well-up, including them and witnessing them as part of the whole that we are. After all—it’s just a thought. I don’t take action on all my thoughts and none of them should be judged as unworthy. Some thoughts are simply no longer useful. What if thoughts are simply surfacing in our awareness to be healed or learned from—transformed and/or released? What if some thoughts are the fast-track to self healing is inclusion?
What if we simply allowed all of our experiences to be just experiences—Zen like, neither good nor bad—neither positive or negative? Simply markers in time that we can either learn from and transform, or repeat and judge. Inclusion is always an option. And as thought precedes action—awareness of our thoughts creates dynamic changes in our actions which changes our experiences.
As for me—I’m happy to be happy and I’m happy for the moments when I’m not. The sad/hard moments are opportunities to make distinctions and to clarify and heal aspects of my life so there can be more forward movement in whatever direction I choose.
So rather than “positive thinking”, perhaps a shift to appreciation and gratitude as a choice in awareness and a way of life might be more inclusive and allowing for all aspects of self to integrate. This shift creates inclusion where all thoughts are welcome, the perceived positive and negative!
Of course, we’re always well served when in control and mindful of what comes out of our mouths!
Here’s to growing awareness and inclusion of every part of “ME” and thoughtful awareness of how we choose to express!
With warmest aloha,
Kim
RISE!
This month’s challenge:
A practice in Positive thinking to notice what you like rather than what you don’t. We’re not seeking to change anything about you –simply creating a new habit of looking for what’s “right” wonderful and inspiring!
3x daily stop and notice your surroundings and acknowledge what’s beautiful, appealing, abundant, joy filled or things you like.
In 2011, life happened—like life always does and choices were made by me and my husband resulting in our relocating 5000 miles back to Virginia from Kauai in 2013. For 5 years those happenings in my world presented as family elders becoming ill, 4 deaths, daily care taking, and all the stressors complicit with up-rooting your entire life, careers, relationships, and the constant daily logistics of dealing with the overlap of our “living” while navigating the dying, illness and the dismantling of lives that had ended.
Fast forward to June 20, 2016. By 8:00 a.m. that Monday morning, my husband had taken his own life less than 30 feet from where I stood feeding our dogs.
This is the first time I’ve addressed this in a public format. I am choosing to do so because I find myself, more than 9 months later, benefiting from exactly where I am because of the choices I made, or didn’t and because of the choices made by my late husband.
The word beneficiary is defined as, “benefiting from; receiving favor; being granted a privilege, or having a gratuity bestowed upon you.
Most often, we equate being a beneficiary with receiving money, property etc., after another’s death.
Having dealt now with 5 deaths and the myriad of legal-ease, documentation and bureaucracy that is required to “officially” close the books on one’s life, I started to explore just how I truly am benefiting from the way my life has shown up, comfortable or not, through my choices or the choices of others. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far….
I learned/ I am beneficiary of/ I choose;
I continue to choose raw authenticity when the waves of grief, sadness, regret and reality wash over me.
I chose to grieve well—to live the experience completely so I could process it completely and live fully present through it regardless of the pain as a means of self-love so when I arrive at “DONE” I can move forward in freedom.
I learned to ask for help, and allowed myself to receive it.
Grace—grace for those individuals, family and friends who simply couldn’t show up.
Allowance for those who couldn’t show up colored by the fundamental truth and knowing that their inability had absolutely nothing to do with me or their love for me.
Deep humility and gratitude for the people who came immediately and who stayed for the dirty work—the aftermath of my raw and seemingly inexhaustible grief, guilt, doubt, self-questioning, etc.. These same people who have stayed and held space for me to find my happiness again and are as equal to the task of allowing my joy as they were my pain.
The purge of situations, people and expectations from my life because I was/am no longer willing to show up in familiar roles for “them”. This was painful initially as from the outside looking in I had lost everything.
The rebirth of my “beingness” rather than filling a role of “wife, step-mother, friend, caretaker, daughter, sister”.
Reclaiming my integrity—self in relation to self. I am no longer willing to let anyone else’s well-being or opinions hold more importance than my own.
I continue to benefit from honoring myself—guilt free—for the choices I made knowingly during my marriage and with family members. This gives me the ability to learn from the dichotomy I chose to stay in without victimizing myself or creating drama.
I learned to be kind to myself and allowing when I was less than proud of my behavior or reaction in various situations.
I learned to “lean into the jib”, and get after creating something beautiful in this huge space that’s been provided.
While this may seem harsh or too pragmatic for some, an unnecessary distinction for others,–I fulfilled the terms of my contract—till death do us part—I’m ready for LIFE—and I’m grateful for this feeling of inspiration and excitement.
From one perspective, I “lost” many friendships as people could not hold the space for me to show up other than as the consistent, happy, solution-finding anchor most of my circle experienced me to be. For others who left, they just couldn’t handle the gritty, ugly, authentic pain as it had the potential of forcing them to rub up against something equally uncomfortable in their own lives.
Perhaps entangled in all the leavings was an inability of those individuals to allow me the space and the grace of being weak, needy or vulnerable for just a moment in time. For this I am grateful. This experience has deepened in me the ability to see beyond a moment and hold space for any moment to morph into the next even more magical possibility.
In the grand scheme of things, that’s the simplicity of what has occurred for all of us these last 9 months. Moments in time strung together and defined as an experience.
My moments were filled with the crushing weight of holding a loved one while his body released all life that was left as his soul withdrew—by his own powerful choice. I am the beneficiary of having been imbued with the strength to respond with love and be with him through his death as I was with him through our life. I was/am blessed with the gift of trust. This trust allowed me to lean into that vast ocean of grace which was represented by LIFE showing up to support and love me immediately through the people, opportunities, beauty and magical moments that ensued and continue to unfold.
These next 9 months will be the same in that they will be a series of moments strung together which we will define as an experience.
So the questions I ask myself now include, “What beauty will I create in the space that’s been provided? What intention will I imbue in the moments to come?”
How about you?
With warmest aloha and deep appreciation for all of life,
I just put my feet in the air and move them around. Fred Astaire
Ya just never know what’s going to move you. A friend sent me the link to this YouTube video and I’m enthralled! The effortless grace and ease the dancers convey makes me smile from ear to ear and feel happy to be alive every time I watch this.
The collaborative effect of the original choreography, the Bee Gee’s passionate expression through their music and the editor who somehow decided to combine the two is a testament to how far reaching and inspirational sharing our gifts can be.
The impact we have on others extends well beyond your human years (whether we are aware of it or not!) and the spin someone else might put on our original sharing can elevate that offering to an even higher level.
It’s a great reminder that regardless of our awareness and/or intention, we are always impacting the world around us so we might as well make our impact a positive one—whatever our gifts may be!
Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once. ~Norman Vincent Peale
Scarlett Tightening-up!
Oh—personal integrity. It’s so easy for most of us to keep our word with our friends, family, at work and in the outside world. We make a commitment and follow through without too much thought.
I’m sitting at my computer doing the tasks that I committed to do two weeks ago and didn’t. I didn’t, simply because they are less than thrilling for me and “I didn’t feel like it”! The tasks that have gone undone are not truly life changing or time sensitive, but because I made a commitment to do them, and then chose not to, they’ve been a serious energy drain every time I’ve thought about them for 2 weeks!
My friend and neighbor—who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent—called a bit ago and commented on my demeanor that “obviously computer work left me less than energized”. When I told her, “Yeah, but I’m keeping my word to myself”, she laughed and told me to “Tighten up that corset girl” and get on with it!!! (Yes, she’s spectacular and I have a whole list of “isms” with her name before them!)
So as I sit here with corset suitably tightened and actually enjoying myself now, I’m remembering a lesson by spiritual teacher Carolyn Myss, www.myss.com . Myss correlated self-worth directly with our ability to keep our word with our self. She asserts that when we lie to ourselves, we are basically training our soul to know that we are not trustworthy, and thus weaken the connection between our humanity and our divinity. Even though no one else will ever know that we didn’t exercise like we decided, or give up sugar, write that report, or mail the package, etc. our soul, our higher-self, does.
I believe that this relationship between our humanity and our divinity is the most important relationship we are here to experience and cultivate, so it makes sense to me that when I feel the emotional, mental and /or physical drain of not following through, that I am undermining my own foundation. That foundation of how I feel about me.
My own opinion of myself matters more than anything, so I will keep my corset tight, re-examine all commitments I have left incomplete and either complete them or release myself from them and I will thoughtfully consider taking on any new commitments before making them!
“What day is it?” asked Pooh. “It’s today,” squeaked Piglet. “MY FAVORITE DAY.” said Pooh.
As I sit this early rainy morning in the home I love on Kauai, I am overwhelmed by my gratitude and contentment to be exactly where I AM, how I AM and who I AM. I’ve been home for 3 weeks now after a long 6 months of being more gone than home, (physically and mentally) and I finally feel like I’m here—now.
This feeling of pure presence is weighty and light all at once. It’s comforting and familiar and foreign all at the same time. I realize sitting here how much I’ve lived this presence and neglected allowing it over these last months.
Like so many of us, life kept happening at a break-neck pace and while I showed up, not all of my engagement was conscious or intentional. Not all of my engagement was reflective of the woman I think/say I am or of the woman I am becoming. Interesting, because I am becoming said woman in part because of my awareness of this lack of intention and presence.
I was blessed and fortunate to be with my parents on the east coast for much of my mother’s dying process and to be her caretaker the last few weeks of her life. Her process kept me focused on her and my birth family and the ever present needs of what was happening there. I can see, now, how I neglected my Kauai life, family and friends, my work, goals, health and well-being.
Today is my favorite day because of this feeling and this allowing of me to just sit—to simply be and to enjoy the sound of the rain and feel the contentment, grounding and peace of being here, now.
The awareness and ability, in action, which I trust to more deeply cultivate is pure presence to whatever is happening in the moment, without gauging its presumed level of importance compared to other concurrent events.
So, may today be YOUR favorite day and if today happens to become tomorrow—may it be our favorite day, too!!
Living on Kauai we are surrounded by beauty as a feast for all the senses. Beautiful things to see, flowers and mountain ranges, the ocean, whales, the contrast of red dirt against vibrant green– beautiful things to smell in the air via the various fruiting and blooming plants, flowers and trees—amazing sounds to hear provided by the song birds, chickens and musicians on island, and the silky feeling of warm air, ocean water or hot sand on your skin! Living here is truly a feast for the senses.
While I never grow tired or complacent of the beauty of this island, it’s the rainbows that keep me in awe of miracles on a daily basis. We live on the edge of a rain-belt, so rainbows are practically a daily occurrence, and I’ve counted as many as 8 in a given day. They can be seen in every weather condition, shape and level of brilliance here—when it’s bright and sunny or gray and dark, they can be arching high into the sky or lying flat, hugging the hills, or emerging from a cloud making a straight line into the ocean, and manifest as singles, doubles or triples! So, when we’re out and about, it’s natural for my husband and me to point them out to each other as we notice them.
I prefer to wear polarizing sunglasses as they block glare and colors seem to pop more, with more detail than with regular lenses. The world seems enhanced with polarizing lenses. My husband wears regular lenses.
The other day we were off to the Hanapepe green waste dump when I spotted the beginnings of a huge double rainbow which apparently he couldn’t see. Being the smarty-pants that he is, and all in good fun, he called me a nut-job and said he couldn’t see anything. When I pointed out that my polarizing sunglasses must be what was allowing me to see it, his response was, “Yeah, your Optimistic Glasses—because there’s still nothing there!”
This got me thinking about why some of us do view the world with optimistic glasses, some with pessimistic and others with neutral, kind-a-boring glasses. Why do some of us literally see things that others don’t? I see shooting stars most nights, rainbows daily, things I can’t explain in my garden (Fairies!!!) and have wildlife experiences that are truly unexplainable (so I rarely try!). Why do some of us live in the world of “Rational Thinking” and explanations and then there are those of us who don’t need explanations, but would rather live in the world of the unexplainable, the unseen and endless possibilities?
Well, nut-job or not, I like my optimistic glasses and the unexplainable–and it’s been my personal experience that while we nut-jobs might be challenging or even frustrating to be around, those who are rational/explanation seeking thinkers, tend to prefer the company of people like me than their own kind!
So—today—this year– which glasses will you choose to wear? Here’s to seeing the world, life and each other with fresh eyes!
McLovin’ and my biggest dog, MacTavish, became best buddies instantly and my 2 little ones were equally captivated by him. He clearly liked us too, and his very being-ness created an entirely new dynamic in my home. 
Fiercely Aware Blog 
