Suicide Aftershocks VOL VI: Gestation, Endings & Beginnings. It’s Time I Write a New Story

While contemplating this month’s Blog post, it occurred to me that my first in this series was written almost 9 months after my husband’s suicide.  Nine months is the gestation period for human development and signifies incubation, evolution and emergence.

wombwisdom.me

wombwisdom.me

I hadn’t considered the significance of that timing.  I was ready, at that roughly 9 month mark, to work again and to put myself out there in an authentic way.

Now, roughly 18 months post suicide, I’m ready to be done with this “Aftershocks” series.  This is the second gestation period from which I’m grateful to be emerging.  I feel as though I’ve been birthed into a better, stronger, more capable and kinder version of me.

We can’t have new beginnings without endings. While I wish certain endings had occurred differently, I’m grateful to be transitioning into the next cycle of my life and look forward with enthusiasm—incubation complete– for now. I am freed from the most recent womb of gestation.

As I stated in the first volume of this “Aftershocks” series, “In the grand scheme of things, that’s the simplicity of what has occurred for all of us these last 9 months.  Moments in time strung together and defined as an experience”.

These last 2 gestation periods do not define me

I am not defined by my marriage or by my husbands’ suicide.  These experiences have smoothed my rough edges and brought a depth of grace, compassion and knowingness of interconnection that is beyond anything I knew before.

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…his heart grew 3 sizes that day-Grinch

 

They have taught me to embrace the vast ocean of my own strength, stretched my fixed boundaries into fluid response and blown open my heart into a boundless and inexhaustible reservoir of love and wonder.

 

 

I’ve used the term “Ground Zero” as a marker for the day of Bill’s suicide.  I officially lay that to rest now and re-purpose that phrase for myself.

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dreamcatcherreality.com

Today is Ground Zero for the story of my life—for the beginning for my new story.  A new journey I am excited to create and embark upon.

Here’s to birthing our dreams and allowing life to unfold in its ever fluctuating beauty of beginnings and endings while choosing to stay awestruck and humbled.

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Osho Zen Tarot

In humble gratitude for this miracle called life,

Kim

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Rise!

Dos Equis to Retire “The Most Interesting Man in the World” Perhaps I could be the “Most Interesting Woman…”

“The weight of his words would break a lesser mans Jaw.”  Dos Equis 

Jonathan Goldsmith, the gorgeous actor  who portrays the “Most Interesting Man in the World” for Dos Equis beer;  http://dosequis.com/  quite possibly could be!  After reading several articles about him, I discovered that he is a renaissance man, self-made multi-millionaire, rescuer of a damsel in distress from sharks and saver of a stranded, injured hiker on Mt. Whitney.

The commercials are smart, fast-paced and funny!  Even more so now that I know the history of said “Interesting Man”.

After forcing my husband to listen to me read quotes from the “smooth Harold website (,http://www.smoothharold.com/top-30-facts-about-the-most-interesting-man-in-the-world/ )   and laugh hysterically—mostly alone—I pondered if I might be considered for the potential role of “Most Interesting Woman in the World”.         

Take Fact #1:  “He lives vicariously through himself.”   That’s a pretty nice definition of consciousness!  And interesting!        Compilation of interesting!

imagesCASNN3H3       After all, I own my own business.  I have been written about (albeit only cursorily).  I’ve been on television—perhaps by accident.  I’ve saved countless small creatures from imminent death or disfigurement and on many occasions I’ve rescued myself from bad relationships, situations and/or decisions.  I’ve helped clients and friends with good counsel (so I’ve been told!)  And I personally feel as though the weight of MY words might break a lesser woman’s jaw!

 This clearly qualifies me for the position!   (If you fall off the pedestal you put yourself on, does it hurt as much?)

       Here’s hoping you have a fun, silly and fabulous day enjoying life and laughing at your most interesting self!

In growing awareness,

Kim

 

The Year of the Agenda-less Voice –I just said what??? Perhaps silence is golden.

At the turn of the year a mere 6 weeks ago my husband and I were joking about resolutions. In general, it’s not a practice either of us participates in but he laughed heartily when I seriously informed him that 2014 for me was to be the year of the AGENDA-LESS voice.
Not much else has been said since then, primarily because I don’t like to arm him with my apparent failures!! While I can’t truly classify this 6 weeks as a catastrophic failure, nor can I shine it up and call it a success.

vintage-romance

vintage-romance

Agenda, as defined in Webster’s is; an underlying personal viewpoint or bias. The true spirit of my year of the Agenda-less voice was to not use my language in any way to convince, manipulate, guilt, shame, nudge, sway, influence, win over or induce others with my wording. As these weeks have passed, I’ve become uncomfortably aware of how difficult it is to be 100% transparent and direct. Not because of intent to manipulate, but because of pure un-examined habit in communication. Not to mention the addictions to particular dramas and role adaptations we’ve adopted as defense and/or coping mechanisms. Yet, these too, are still simply unexamined habitual responses.
In our relationship this more often plays out in seemingly innocent ways which sound like statements inflected as questions, half sentences, open-ended statements or questions. For example;
B: “Where would you like to go for dinner?”
K: “I really don’t have a preference—you pick!”
B: “Okay—let’s try that new Swedish place.”
K: “Do you really want Swedish?” (Note the agenda being I didn’t want Swedish)

 
Options here could include laughing and acknowledging I did, after all, have a preference, or conceding that I had given up choice for that meal. Instead, I gave the power to my husband and then just as quickly took it away in a somewhat passive aggressive fashion!

Other innocent forms come out as statements meant to evoke a response like;
My computer is broken; You know my birthday is coming up; The dogs haven’t been fed. With no agenda, theses are simply statements, but if they are agenda filled and the transmitter’s expectation doesn’t get met, the receiver better look out!  

 
Some of the most soul-crushing displays of agenda in relationship include using any current hurt as an excuse to drag up the tattered laundry list of all past hurts. Using language that shames like, disappointed, should, really?, or comparing to other people or situations. A devastating use of agenda in relationship is the withholding of our words, our good opinion, our smiles and our love, just because we might not like something or agree.
So the old adage of “Say what you mean, mean what you say” applies to this year of the agenda-less voice as I mindfully learn to communicate just that succinctly.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I seem to be keeping my mouth shut when in doubt of my intention and clarity of response. A silence I believe my husband is grateful for.

In mindful silence for a good cause,                                                                 

Active Listening!

Active Listening!

Kim

How to Procratsinate WELL

If only there were more time!

Time waits for no woman!

So it’s a week since my last blog and I’ve been feeling a bit of procrastinator’s guilt at not having written a post before now.  I’ve been pondering the topic all week, and I’ve decided that giving up procrastination is an unachievable goal—so I’ll put off trying to stop! 

After all, if I’m involved in one project or task, I’m NOT doing something else.  So, how do we chose what to accomplish and what is actually beneficial to procrastinate on?  The trick, I think, is in having a clear vision.  Whether it’s a vision of how you want the house to look for a party or an explosion of growth in your business, knowing what you want and imagining how it will feel when you have it, creates a vibrational pull of inspiration that definitely helps me make the choice between running errands or working on the project that will take me even one step closer to my vision.

Debbie Ford, in her book, “The Right Questions” (www.debbieford.com) asks;  “Will this choice propel me toward and inspiring future, or keep me stuck in the past?”  Will it move me closer to my goals or farther from them? 

I love these questions because if you’re honest, there’s no hiding behind distractions like running errands or saying yes to others requests when you could be helping yourself!  Many of us—me included—use busy work as a balm to make us feel a bit better when we haven’t worked on something we SAY is important to us.  Running errands or helping neighbors is measurable and feels like a reasonable justification for not doing something else—the thing we’ve said is important.  This is my favorite way to procrastinate. 

If you find yourself doing busy work today—make the conscious choice to procrastinate for the higher good of taking action on the project or hobby or relationship you’re truly passionate about—and enjoy it!

Joyfully and with warmest aloha,

Kim

The Law of Paradoxical Intent

Is the focus on Safety or danger?

Recently, I set my sights on something– a desired outcome to a situation–and it didn’t turn out the way I had intended that it would. I believed I was “deliberately creating”, and so my desired outcome was guaranteed! When this situation did not come to closure as I had hoped, I was forced to look more closely at exactly how I was working the Law of Attraction. What was I missing, and where did I go of course? This introspection brought me to a deeper understanding of the Law of Paradoxical Intent.

The Law of Paradoxical Intent is what might be sabotaging many-a good intentioned attempt at creating using the Law of Attraction. Simply, paradoxical intent is when you approach something from the framework of what you don’t want, rather than what you do. If debt is an issue, the person who approaches their debt from the perspective of “being debt free”, or being more abundant monetarily (both thoughts allow for how good being debt free will be/feel) will generally resolve their debt more quickly than the ones approaching debt from “I don’t want to be in debt”, or from how bad being in debt feels. The intention to be out of debt is the same, but the latter approach will attract more debt because of negative emotions associated with and focused on the debt.

It is our hidden or unconscious beliefs about our deservedness/intelligence/abilities–our right to have or do or be that keep us imprisoned and stuck in a loop of sameness. I found that in my situation, I was putting out in my words and actions the outcome I wanted, while I harboured the stronger, hidden belief that, “this is never going to work!”. While at the time, I’m sure I thought I was just joking around and being humorously cynical, there obviously was weight and charge to that thought. After all, “this is never going to work” reigned victorious!

To truly be successful creators, we must be clear about what we want, always approaching from the positive perspective of why we want it and how we expect to feel once we’ve achieved that desire, while at the same time being congruent in our thoughts, words and actions surrounding that desire.

So, the moral of the story for me is to be ever vigilant of beliefs that pop up (or pop out of my mouth!) and examine them. It’s actually fun and incredibly interesting to hear myself think or say something that came from my parents or grandparents, that so does not reflect who I think I am. If then, I allow my beliefs to go unexamined, will I turn into my mother?

Joyfully introspective and with warmest aloha,
Kim