Suicide Aftershocks VOL VI: Gestation, Endings & Beginnings. It’s Time I Write a New Story

While contemplating this month’s Blog post, it occurred to me that my first in this series was written almost 9 months after my husband’s suicide.  Nine months is the gestation period for human development and signifies incubation, evolution and emergence.

wombwisdom.me

wombwisdom.me

I hadn’t considered the significance of that timing.  I was ready, at that roughly 9 month mark, to work again and to put myself out there in an authentic way.

Now, roughly 18 months post suicide, I’m ready to be done with this “Aftershocks” series.  This is the second gestation period from which I’m grateful to be emerging.  I feel as though I’ve been birthed into a better, stronger, more capable and kinder version of me.

We can’t have new beginnings without endings. While I wish certain endings had occurred differently, I’m grateful to be transitioning into the next cycle of my life and look forward with enthusiasm—incubation complete– for now. I am freed from the most recent womb of gestation.

As I stated in the first volume of this “Aftershocks” series, “In the grand scheme of things, that’s the simplicity of what has occurred for all of us these last 9 months.  Moments in time strung together and defined as an experience”.

These last 2 gestation periods do not define me

I am not defined by my marriage or by my husbands’ suicide.  These experiences have smoothed my rough edges and brought a depth of grace, compassion and knowingness of interconnection that is beyond anything I knew before.

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…his heart grew 3 sizes that day-Grinch

 

They have taught me to embrace the vast ocean of my own strength, stretched my fixed boundaries into fluid response and blown open my heart into a boundless and inexhaustible reservoir of love and wonder.

 

 

I’ve used the term “Ground Zero” as a marker for the day of Bill’s suicide.  I officially lay that to rest now and re-purpose that phrase for myself.

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dreamcatcherreality.com

Today is Ground Zero for the story of my life—for the beginning for my new story.  A new journey I am excited to create and embark upon.

Here’s to birthing our dreams and allowing life to unfold in its ever fluctuating beauty of beginnings and endings while choosing to stay awestruck and humbled.

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Osho Zen Tarot

In humble gratitude for this miracle called life,

Kim

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Rise!

SUICIDE AFTERSHOCKS: VOL III Southern Women’s Wisdom–Discomfort and the Power of a Pause

During the last few months I’ve found myself referencing my husband’s suicide in conversation as the B.E.  (Bill Event)

and making time distinctions based on before and after Bill did what he did.  It feels healthy for me and lighter than using the word suicide.  He simply did what he did-what he chose to do.business_110009277-012914-int

As time passes and I’m happier and more present, how he died is becoming almost irrelevant.  Interestingly when people ask, I pause to decide how direct I care to be in that given moment as my experience has been that most people can’t really handle the truth of suicide.  They seem ill-equipped to respond without judgment.  Most become highly uncomfortable or pretend they didn’t actually ask how he died, rather than pausing and considering a response.

Suicide.  Just the word causes discomfort. Suicide carries so many judgments—social, religions and familial.  When I do use that word, it’s not that I’m choosing to make others uncomfortable.  I am simply choosing to honor myself and respect the level of comfort I’ve been able to achieve in the aftermath of a horrific situation.

 

58d7e6020950c8147cc62a476d63af49The first statement one of my brothers made to me the day of the B.E. was, “I didn’t know your marriage was that bad”.  He maintained this position and even went so far as to publicly state that he and everyone else knew that Bill’s suicide was my fault.  This was my BROTHER! 

A person I considered a friend commented, “How could you not know—you’re so intuitive. This is what you do!  You must have known this was going to happen!”  This was a FRIEND!

My dad’s reaction to my first and only crying phone call to him in the days immediately following the B.E. was, “Quit living in the past.” He said this just prior to hanging up on me.  This was my FATHER.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do and called a girl friend—

a bit older than me and raised in south central Virginia.  Her wise counsel came in the form of a question.  After hearing my pain over the judgmental and insensitive comments being made, she asked,

“Kim, does your Father have a vagina?  Do any of these people you’re speaking with have vagina’s?

I responded no, that they did not, in fact, have vagina’s.  Her response, classic, quintessential southern pragmatism, “Don’t you know you can’t have a conversation when you’re upset with a person lacking a vagina?

Enough said.  I was laughing while crying and oh, so much better!

A girlfriend I grew up with reminded me gently, “Honey, if common sense was lard, your family wouldn’t be able to grease a pan—I don’t mean you of course!”

Another grand moment came while at different girlfriend’s house in central Virginia.  I walked into a group and reacted – inappropriately– to a random participants comment about the B.E.   I kind of lost it and got angry –I really wanted to kick this person till she bled!  (an inappropriate response, I know–but I did pause!)  To avoid any verbal escalation, I went to my friend and said I need help getting under control!  She responded with,

“Well honey, that’s what the back yard is for—you go on out there and stay as long as it takes and I’ll make you some tea!”

8 or 9 weeks after the B.E. I was heading into a meeting with 2 executives and 7 trainers of a global organ harvesting and transplant organization.  The meeting was taking place because—well, that’s another story!  This meeting was a big deal for me and I was still quite emotional but in the “let’s get’er done” frame of mind and knew I needed bucking up before entering the meeting.  Like every southern girl would—I phoned a friend—with a vagina!  She told me,

“Tighten up that corset, put on your lip gloss, lift up your chest and speak slow and syrupy sweet—you got this.”

Scarlett Tightening up!

Scarlett Tightening-up!

Southern comfort no –alcohol required!

Here’s to the strong, proud and direct women in my circle—southern or otherwise!  Thank you for the perfect and timely wisdom and powerful support!

With warmest aloha,

Kim

Challenge:

Pause.  Practice pausing and taking a breath while you mindfully consider an intentional response.  Perhaps nod your head while you pause so the person you’re with will know you’ve heard them—if on the phone, during your pause make a sound like, “hmmm” so the other knows they’ve been heard.!  This technique can create connection, deepen relationships and communication and allows you to learn to listen from a place of desiring to hear rather than from the place of desiring to be heard.  Pausing often times allows the other to hear themselves, as well!

 

 

The Prison of Forgiveness

(The following perspectives are based in a belief in God/Creator/Goddess as the One)

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    I’ve been inundated it seems lately by blogs, books and FB posts about the necessity of forgiveness. The ways to forgive and how the act of forgiving sets the forgiver free.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m a big fan of turning the other cheek and letting the perceived perpetrator off the hook so to speak, but forgiveness is a construct I’m no longer sure of.
Perhaps it’s just semantics, but with an NLP background, I’m a big proponent of the power of intentionally utilized language.

My initial concern with the concept of forgiveness is the implication that the perpetrator of said offense did something wrong in the first place.

This assumption of wrong-doing creates a victim of the one labeling an action as wrong.

The next issue is that labeling inherently turns the victim into the judge. This is the trap or prison of forgiveness. It is in this cycle of labeling and then judging that we close the door on alternative perspectives locking ourselves into only one.

Once the Victim-judge decides to forgive they become superior to the perpetrator because, after all, the victim-judge has decided to take the high-road which lies up-hill of the accused.

This high-road must be Creator/ God-less, bringing us full-circle to the initial incident where Creator/God must have screwed something up as indicated by the fact that the perpetrator requires forgiveness for some perceived mis-deed.
SO…… What if, rather than forgiveness, we simply decided to practice the ascension attitudes of Surrendered Trust and belief in perfection of the present moment (for more on ascension attitudes visit www.innermasterytools.com ).

Osho Zen Tarot

Osho Zen Tarot

In surrendered trust, we believe in the benevolence of our universe and trust that all events are an out-picturing of what might be termed as mis-qualified thought within us. It asserts that everything is perfect exactly how it is showing up. EVERYTHING—people, places and things. In a simplistic nutshell this means there are no mistakes, failures or accidents. It means that everything which has occurred in my life has happened because the universe loves me enough to give me the lessons I need to truly know myself.

What if I decided to thank life for all the uncomfortable, painful, ugly and even evil things that occurred in my past as the perfect recipe for who I am today and for the woman I will be tomorrow? What if I choose to look at my past only as inspiration? How would it feel to give up all resistance to the way things show up –no longer labeling, or defining things dualistically as right/wrong—good/bad—fair /unfair? Would we need to forgive if we responded to life with wise discernment through open-hearted allowance? (and yes, vote with our feet when necessary!) Then there would truly be nothing to forgive—only immense gratitude for the way my life has unfolded and continues to show up.

In deciding that all is well and there is nothing to forgive we are released from our self-imposed prisons of limited perspective. We free ourselves into the ability to live beyond our past into the new and ever unfolding goodness of life.
Besides, I don’t have the balls to say God/Goddess screwed up!

Here’s to a day filled with only perfection!

Joyfully, Kim